By Oluwatobiloba Gideon Oludayomi
I want to talk about something that almost destroyed my marriage. I am not saying this for effect. I am saying it because I believe someone reading this today is standing exactly where I once stood, and they need to hear it plainly.
The problem is this. Getting out of your own head.
You must have heard it said many times that communication is key in every relationship. That is true. But marriage, like every institution, has its own culture, its own way of operating. And in that culture, communication is not just important, it is binding. It is the thing that either holds the house together or lets it collapse quietly from the inside.
But here is what nobody tells you. The real enemy of communication is not silence. It is assumption.
Picture this. A wife notices her husband acting differently. He is quieter than usual, or distracted, or distant. Instead of asking him directly, she begins to think. She studies his behaviour from a distance and builds a case in her mind. By the time she is done thinking, she has already reached a verdict, and that verdict now controls how she treats him.
The husband feels the shift, but nobody told him what he did wrong. Nobody asked him what was going on. She simply started responding to a story she wrote in her own head.
This is what I mean when I say, do not always believe what you think. Somebody once told me that, and I carried it for years without fully understanding it, until my own marriage tested it. Thinking, when it is not verified, is not wisdom. It is guesswork wearing the costume of insight. And it always feels so right and convincing.
You signed up for better and for worse. You did not sign up to be a detective in your own home. When something feels off, ask. Say it plainly. I have noticed this, I want to understand, help me see what I am missing. That single conversation can save you months of silent resentment.
Now here is the second layer, and this one is more subtle. Sometimes couples do talk. But even when they talk, they are not fully honest, because one party is busy calculating whether the other person can handle the truth.
For goodness sake, you are already married. You have committed to something far more serious than whether your spouse can take the truth today. So say it. But say it the right way.
I am not asking you to be harsh. I am asking you to be honest and kind at the same time. You can tell your spouse the truth without trying to wound them. You can be calm and still be clear. A truth that is withheld out of fear is functionally the same as a lie, no matter how noble the intention behind the silence feels.
Ephesians 4 verse 15 says. Speak the truth in love. Not truth alone, and not love alone, but both together. That is the marriage formula many couples never learn.
I learnt something from my stepfather that I have never forgotten. He said assumption is a disease, more chronic than any physical illness you can name. And the moment you let even a little of it in, you have opened the door to chaos, the kind of trouble that can trap you for a long time.
Proverbs 18 verse 13 says it this way. To answer before listening, that is folly and shame. Many marriages are not destroyed by a single dramatic event. They are worn down slowly, by two people constantly answering questions their spouse never actually asked, because they assumed instead of asking.
James chapter 1 verse 19 gives us the antidote. Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry. Notice the order. Listening comes first. Not thinking. Not concluding. Listening.
I have come to believe that most problems in marriage, and honestly in life, are not what they appear to be on the surface. What you see is often just a symptom. The real cause is usually hidden underneath, and it takes humility to dig for it instead of reacting to what is visible.
That is why I never rush to correct anyone before I try to connect with them first. Correction without connection breeds defense, not change. And in marriage, defense is the enemy of intimacy.
So before you conclude that your spouse has changed, ask yourself, have I actually asked them why. Before you decide the silence means something terrible, have you created a safe enough space for them to explain it. Before you punish them for a crime committed only in your imagination, have you given them the chance to speak for themselves?
Get out of your head. It sounds simple, but it is one of the hardest disciplines a married person will ever practice, because the mind is quick, and it loves to fill in gaps with fear.
Practice this instead. When you notice something, name it out loud, gently. When you want to say something hard, say it, but wrap it in kindness. When your spouse is talking, resist the urge to plan your response, just listen.
Marriage does not fail because two people stopped loving each other. It fails, slowly and quietly, because two people stopped clarifying with each other, and started assuming instead.
I would love to hear from you. Have you ever caught yourself building a whole conclusion about your spouse or partner before you even asked them a single question. Share your experience below. Someone reading this needs to know they are not alone.
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Oluwatobiloba Gideon Oludayomi is a practical writer, a scripture addict, and a versatile entrepreneur building wealth through agriculture, real estate, and enterprise. He writes on faith, business systems, personal development, mindset re-engineering, and the Nigerian condition. He is the Convener of the Dominion Guild Network, an ecosystem of high value individuals, young and determined to becoming an empowered generation. He is also the author of "Build It to Last", "I Thought I Married a Wife" (a novel), and "Practical Love".
