You look soft.

You sound soft.

You grew up softer than most.

So people assume you are naive. Easy. Useful.

They smile at you, but it is the kind of smile that calculates.

What can I get from him.

What does he have access to.

How long before he notices.

The strange thing is, you notice.

And sometimes, to protect yourself, you learn to calculate back.

If everyone is using everyone, then at least do not be the only fool in the room.

I stayed in Elelenwo for a while.

If you know Elelenwo, you know it is not quiet. Not slow. Not gentle.

There were drugs. There was recklessness. There were nights that felt like Sodom borrowed a generator and moved to Rivers State.

I indulged.

Not because I was unaware.

But because I was.

Wild in a contained body.

Soft face, hard environment.

I still thank God I did not cross certain lines. There are decisions that do not let you return. I somehow stopped just before the edge each time.

But I cannot lie and say I was safe.

There were moments I endangered myself on purpose.

Moments where I felt like I did not matter enough to protect.

Doing stupid things and pretending it was vibes. Pretending it was freedom. When maybe a part of me was testing whether the world would notice if I disappeared.

That is the part people do not see.

They do not take me seriously.

They think I am joking. Or that I am the joke.

It is hard for people to reconcile a cute face with chaos. Soft features with dark thoughts. Polished speech with self destruction.

But both can exist in the same person.

Life in Port Harcourt can harden you. Even if you were not built for hardness.

And sometimes the most dangerous thing about being soft in a hard city is that you start trying to prove you can survive it.

Even if it costs you yourself.