You begin to wonder what you said or did wrong. You replay the situation over and over again like a favorite song on repeat. But no matter how many times you revisit it, nothing changes. 

And do you know the most painful part of it all? It’s realizing that the people who made you feel this way are your closest friends or family, yet they continue living their lives peacefully without even the slightest remorse for how their actions or words affected you. 

Then you start thinking about becoming a nonchalant–someone who wouldn’t blink even at another person’s pain. You stop showing care, even to people within your close circle, because you’re afraid they’ll think you’re overstepping boundaries. Or maybe you feel they won’t appreciate your kindness anyway, so why bother trying? 

Slowly, the joy of being a kind person begins to fade, and you become colder. Then when new people meet you, they wonder the experiences that changed you. You see, that’s how some genuinely kind people become mean. Certain events happen in their lives that completely change them. And recently, something like that happened to me.

Someone I considered a friend–someone I constantly checked up on and showed little acts of kindness to–asked me this: “Why should I check up on you often, Mary? Are you my boyfriend?” 

Yes, that was the response I got during a conversation with one of my female friends. Let’s call her Tracy. I never knew Tracy didn’t truly consider me a friend until that very moment. At first I thought she was joking, but the expression on her face made me realized it was no joke. 

It was on a Sunday evening. The weather was calm, the street were quiet, and we were walking back home from church service. In my mind, it was a perfect evening to have a heart to heart talk with a friend. 

The truth is, in the past couple of weeks, my gut has always told me that there was something off about Tracy, but I kept ignoring the feeling. Her body language whenever I’m around her often made me feel like I was forcing a friendship on her. She barely acknowledged my presence. If I didn’t greet her first, she wouldn’t greet me either (we’re age mate by the way). And when I did, she responded as though I were a stranger. Sometimes she’ll see my calls and never return them. This was someone that I took care of when she was sick.

Even with all these weird attitudes, I brushed it off for a long time until recently, when I sat down and really thought about everything. I began asking myself whether I was stuck in a one-sided friendship or simply overthinking things.

So that Sunday, while we were walking home from church since we attended the same fellowship, I decided it was better to address the issue instead of making assumptions in my head. So I asked her if I had done something wrong that made her act differently toward me. 

Immediately, she became defensive. She insisted she wasn’t acting weird or giving me attitude. She said she cared about me and why would I think otherwise. According to her, if she doesn’t care about me, she wouldn’t be talking to me. 

But even while saying those words, her tone sounded irritated. Her face carried a frown that completely contradicted her response.  

I told her that when you genuinely care about someone, it reflects in the way you treat them. But she hadn’t been treating me kindly or respect me the way a friend should. I continued speaking calmly and told her that if she truly cared about me, she would at least check up on me sometimes. I was always the one texting and calling first, and sometimes she would ignore my calls without ever returning them.

Again, she became defensive. She told me there was nothing wrong with her behavior, that she never asked me to check up on her. And then came the question that completely stunned me: “Why should I check up on you often, are you my boyfriend?” 

Do you know what hurt the most? It was the way she said it. 

There was anger in her eyes that I couldn’t understand. Her tone was harsh that even the calm weather and quiet streets couldn’t soften the ache I suddenly felt in my chest.

I became speechless. 

Even as she continued speaking with irritation, I stayed quiet because I no longer had anything left to say. It was at that moment I realized that maybe I had been a fool all along–showing care to someone who barely cared about me. 

Even when we eventually went our separate ways that evening, she didn’t even notice my silence.

That night, when I got home, I sat on my bed replaying the entire conversation in my head. I started wondering whether other friends I constantly show love and kindness to actually value me, or if they simply enjoy the fact that I’m always available for them. 

For a moment, I considered stopping myself from being the kind of person that people feel safe around. But then I asked myself: wouldn’t that mean I’m wearing a mask and abandoning who I truly am?

So no, I didn’t let regret consume me.

Instead, I’ve simply become more careful about who I pour my kindness into. I promised myself not to give so much of myself that I become emotionally drained. I promise myself not to give everyone unlimited access to my heart and energy. 

And most importantly, I promised myself to show care to people who genuinely appreciate it–not to those who make me feel unseen or unvalued.

I do not regret the kindness I’ve shown to people. And you shouldn’t either. 

Be kind. Give freely. Just don’t lose yourself while doing it.