I have started over more times than I planned to.

I don’t mean the beautiful kind of starting over people post about online.

I mean the kind where you sit down, look at your life and think:

Okay. This plan is clearly not planning. What next? 

I’ve reconsidered career choices. I’ve explored leaving Nigeria. I’ve learnt new skills, applied for opportunities, received some no’s, found unexpected yeses, and somehow continued figuring things out while raising a child.

If there’s one thing nobody adequately warned me about, it’s this:

Starting over is expensive.

A new course costs money, better internet connection costs money, setting up to work remotely costs money, moving costs money, not moving can cost money too.

But there’s another cost we don’t talk about enough.

The guilt and embarrassment of announcing a plan and later changing your mind.

Watching people your age appear to be ten steps ahead while you’re still rearranging the board.

Having responsibilities that don’t disappear simply because you’re “finding yourself.”

And, as a mother, knowing that some decisions aren’t mine alone to make.

This last one has changed the way I think about ambition.

I still want more for myself. Very much so.

But these days, when I say I want a better life, I’m asking different questions.

Not just How much will I earn?

But:

Will I have time for my child?

Will this opportunity actually improve our lives?

Can I sustain it?

Am I choosing this because I genuinely want it, or because everybody has decided this is what success should look like

Perhaps the hardest one:

What happens if this doesn’t work?

I used to think having to change direction meant I’d failed somewhere.

I don’t think that anymore.

Some plans have worked, while some have not.

Some things I desperately wanted a few years ago don’t even make my list today.

Strangely I think that’s growth too.

I’m still figuring out work, I’m still figuring out money, I’m still figuring out motherhood.

And I certainly haven’t figured out life.

But I’m beginning to think that maybe figuring it all out was never the point.

Maybe the point is learning to make the best decision you can with what you know,  being brave enough to admit when something isn’t working, and starting again when you need to.

So, this is what I’ll be writing about on here; the work, the money, motherhood, single motherhood, big decisions, changed plans, small wins and the occasional “God abeg”.

Not from the finish line but from right here in

 the middle of figuring it out.

And if you're somewhere in the middle too, YOU ARE IN GOOD COMPANY.