Ambience: 3/10

Very peaceful… until somebody breaks plate or you bring 58 in Maths. Suddenly the whole house is hot. No AC but tension everywhere. The sitting room becomes conference hall. Everybody must attend.

Customer Service: 50/50

They will wake up by 5am to cook for you. They will pray for you like they’re sending you to war. But ask for money twice in one week?

“Am I CBN?”

Now you’re receiving motivational speech about hard work and how they suffered in 1987.

Menu Options: Zero Democracy

You’re craving pizza. You’re imagining shawarma.

Kitchen says: Eba.

And not just eba — the type that can defend itself. With soup that will humble your ancestors.

If you complain small, you’ll hear:

“So the food we are eating is not good enough for you?”

Now you’re eating with tears and gratitude.

Portion Size: Generous but Monitored

Food is plenty. Soup is flowing.

But meat? That one is under CCTV.

If you mistakenly take two pieces, your full government name will echo from the kitchen. Even neighbors will know something happened.

Management Style: Military

You can express your opinion.

But why are you expressing it?

Debating is seen as disrespect. Explaining yourself is talking back. You will apologize even when you don’t fully understand your crime.

Performance Review System: Academic Edition

Score 90? “That’s my child!”

Score 75? “Who got the highest,do they have two heads?”

Score 60? “Is this your best?”

Score below that? Family meeting with spiritual backup.

But let’s be honest.

That same strict restaurant? That’s where the real love is.

They will insult you, correct you, shout at you — but let an outsider try it. Just try.

That’s when you’ll see premium defense package.

They may not say “I’m proud of you” every day.

But they’ll tell random visitors about you like you just won a Nobel Prize.

So yes, the ambience is dramatic.

The menu is controlled.

The management is intense.

But the love? Five stars. No competition.

Because in this Nigerian restaurant, you don’t just eat food.

You grow backbone.

If you survived Nigerian parenting, honestly… life should fear you small.