The rest are ghosts, silent observers, professional sticker collectors and that one auntie that doesn’t know how to exit. 

By 5:03am the Early Morning Evangelist has started. “GOOD MORNING GREAT PEOPLE 🌞 May the Lord surprise you today. Type AMEN.” Ma, it’s still dark. Even the rooster is still on night shift.

       Then there’s the “😂” contributor. That is their full contribution to society. 

Somebody will say, “Guys I lost my job.” Reply? “😂😂😂” Sir are you stable? And why is there always one Financial Chairman that suddenly says, “Let’s contribute 5k each.” Contribute ke? We can’t even contribute meaningful conversation. The same people that ignore polls. “Should we meet at 4 or 6?” 48 views. 2 votes. Admin now says, “So nobody cares?” Now tension has entered the group like NEPA bill.

          Don’t forget the Crypto CEO of the family. “This investment is legit.” My brother you borrowed 2k last week and you’re still owing for cake money from 2023. Let’s not forget the ones that need new users do tap on their temu link 🤦‍♀️. 

And birthdays? That’s when everybody becomes event planner. “Let’s do something big.” You people that couldn’t even reply good morning consistently?

       The admin ehn… power has entered their bloodstream. “Please avoid side talks.” Is this National Assembly? Randomly changing the group name to “🔥 FAMILY OF FIRE 🔥” at 11:48pm. For what exactly? And if you send a voice note longer than one minute somebody will shout, “Summary please.” We are not writing WAEC comprehension.

         The most dramatic moment? When someone leaves quietly. No explanation. Just exits.

 Immediately 14 private messages: “Why did you leave?” Because this group is affecting my destiny that’s why. But somehow they always come back. Because Nigerian group chats are chaotic, loud, unserious and slightly toxic… but they are our own. 

And one random midnight someone will type, “Guys remember when Emeka fell inside gutter?” Boom. Resurrection. 300 unread messages by morning.

   …And if you don’t see yourself in this, abeg check your group chat, e fit be you dey cause wahala 😏.